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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:21 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00030"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR030
========
Date:         Mon, 6 Sep 1993 16:38:03 TSI
From:         Babur Saylan <[e-mail]>
Subject:      When I see an elephant

I'm always sorry for my English|||
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
when I see en elephant,
.......................I pray I'll not see another behind me.
when I see the 'another',
.........................I would have probably no time to think the
third.
==========
Date:         Mon, 6 Sep 1993 16:31:11 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jewish joke

There was a rich Jewish man in Bohemia who had a beatiful daughter. And a
shnorer [Jewish beggar] lived in the same town and he had a son.
As it happens, tho two young people fell in love for each other and wanted
to marry.
But the girl's father did not want to give his only daughter to a shnorer's
son and strictly refused. The girl, her lover and his father knelt in front
of the rich man but in vain: I never will agree that my daughter marry such
a "niemand".
The girl was so sorry without her love that she fell ill. She almost did not
eat and was weaker and weaker. A doctor said that her life was in danger.
Finally the rich man gave up and agreed that the couple may marry.
But now the shnorer showed his pride. He said that he would not give his son
to a daughter of a man who was so cruel that almost caused her death. The rich
man even came to the shnorer and begged him to aggree with the marriage for
the sake of the girl's life.
After some hesitation, the shnorer aggreed under the condition that the rich
man would go on begging with him for a whole day. So they went together and
asked people for some money. Of course people knew the rich man, so he had to
pretend that he had lost everything. He stated that his house was destroyed
by a fire, his factory bankrupted etc. And, to his surprise, he got quite a lot
money. They continued the whole day and when evening was approaching they came
to a local "metropole" - Golcuv Jenikov (a small Czech town).
The shnorer told the rich that his condition was fulfilled and he aggreed
with the marriage of the young couple. So they went home to tell their children
that they may be happy. On the way the rich man remarked: "But we might have
finished this Golcuv Jenikov too!"
--
===================
Date:         Mon, 6 Sep 1993 15:27:00 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Age

In honor of my cousin, who is almost a half-century old, and for anyone
else with near-at-hand birthdays:

Age is:

...always fifteen years older than I am.
        - Bernard Baruch

...a matter of feeling, not of years.
         - George W. Curtis

Youth is a blunder; manhood is a struggle; old age a regret.
        - Benjamin Disraeli

When a man is young he writes songs; grown up he speaks in poverbs; in old
age he preaches pessimism.
        - Hebrew proverb

Age is not all decay; it is the ripening, the swelling, of the fresh life
within, that withers and bursts the husks.
        - George Macdonald

A man is still young as long as women can make him happy or unhappy. He
reaches middle age when they can no longer make him unhappy. He is old
when they cease to make him either happy or unhappy.
        - Anon.

...when one begins to exchange emotions for symptoms.
        - Anon.

- Linda, over the hill and enjoying the view
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 16:32:51 +1000
From:         Julie Ledster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Feminist joke (may offend Feminists)

Q.  What is the difference between a wheelie bin and a feminist?

A.  At least the wheelie bin gets taken out once a week.

(A feeble effort, I know, but hopefully someone got at least a
giggle out of it)


Julie Ledster.
============
Date:         Mon, 6 Sep 1993 23:58:48 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Middle Age

Responding to popular demand, here are some more Age epigrams:

Middle Age:

...is a time of life that a man first notices in his wife.
        - Richard Armour

...is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will
get you home earlier.
        - Daniel Bennett

You know you are there when your gray hair isn't premature.
        - Eugene E. Brussell

...is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places.
        - Glenn Dorenbush

...is when you don't have to have fun to enjoy yourself.
        - Franklin P. Jones

...is when you are sitting home on Saturday night and the telephone rings
and you hope it isn't for you.
        - Ring Lardner

...is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will
feel as good as ever.
        - Don Marquis

...is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet
reminds you of someone else and usually is.
        - Ogden Nash

...is when anything new you feel is likely to be a symptom.
        - Laurence J. Peter

...is the time when you'll do anything to feel better, except give up
what's hurting you.
        - Robert Quillen

- Linda, another day older
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 14:37:57 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Female jokes <crude>

Question: What's the best way to make a pussy talk?

Answer: Put a tongue in it.

---

Question: What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?

Answer: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

---

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.  The first one says, "I had a patient this
morning with a clit like a pickle."

The second one says, "That big or that green?"

The first one says, "That sour!"

---

Question: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Answer: Nothing.  They're both stuck-up cunts.

---

Question: What would you call a lesbian who drives a delivery truck full of
dildos?

Answer: A "Dick van Dyke".




Personally, I find some of these jokes offensive, but I can't help
laughing at the people who tell them.  Me too.
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 12:04:48 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      statistics

From: [e-mail] (Anand Rao)
To: Multiple recipients of list <[e-mail]>
Subject: Statisticians---A Joke!

I heard the follwoing sometime ago.. thought you folks might enjoy it!

A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician go out on a duck hunt.
They have only one gun.  The come across some geese and the mathematician
quickly calculates the distance, the velocity, the angle, etc. and shoots.
 Well, he misses by a foot to the LEFT!

They come across geese again, and this time the physicist takes the gun.
After calculating all the angles, flight paths, velocities, etc.  the
physicist also takes into consideration the gravity, air frictions, and
such things... and fires!
Well, s/he misses by a foot to the RIGHT!

The statistician jumps up and down, yelling, "We got'em! We got'em!"

:-))
--
   The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of
     North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information
        Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service.
           internet:  laUNChpad.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 15:08:08 EDT
From:         "Maricar C. Umayam" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Help, please!

A rope entered a bar and asked for a beer.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here."  The rope left.
The rope returned the next day and asked for a beer.
"Listen, I told you yesterday -- we DO NOT serve ropes here."  The rope
leaves again.
The next night, the rope returns, determined to get a beer.
"I've told you for the past two days ... WE DO NOT SERVE ROPES HERE!"
So, the rope goes outside, loops himself over and under and shreds his
ends.  He enter the bar and asks for a beer.
"One last time, I told you WE DON'T SERVE ROPES here.  Aren't you a rope?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
(Read it out loud, if you haven't caught the joke yet.)

And, another one ...

A mushroom enters a bar and asks for a beer.
"We don't serve your kind here."
"Why not?  I'm a fungi."
(Did you get it?!?)

***Don't forget ... if you have those faces, please forward it!  Thanks in
advance!


 --

***************************************************************************
* Maricar C. Umayam                START UP Center/Enrollment Management  *
* [e-mail]             Augusta College                        *
* [phone]                    2500 Walton Way                        *
* A gift from the heart is best.   Augusta, GA 30904-2200                 *
***************************************************************************
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 12:18:19 -0700
From:         "S., James" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      statisticians

From: Ronan M Conroy <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Statisticians---A Joke!

Worse:
An oncologist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a biostatistician
all go duck hunting. Some birds fly over.
"Look like ducks" thinks the oncologist, "but I'd like to send
a biopsy down to pathology just to be sure." They fly past him.
"I seem to be seeing ducks," thinks the psychiatrist, "now why
would that be...?" They fly over him too.
"The surgeon sees something moving and opens fire - five ducks
hit the earth displaying many of the symptoms of death except
that their kidneys don't seem to be missing.
"OK," he says to the biostatistician, "are there ducks?"
"I really wouldn't like to generalise on the basis of such
a small sample." the latter replies.

And a quickie: Biostatistician and clinician are sitting in the
canteen when a colleague comes in.
"Wow!" says the clinician, "he's got a really short haircut!"
"On this side, at least" agrees the statistician cautiously.

That's all. In my experience, good jokes about statisticians
are greatly outnumbered by interesting recipes for whalemeat.

ronan
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 16:22:02 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Newfie jokes

I suppose any ethnic joke could be a newfie joke, but the two I first
heard were out of a joke contest sponsored about 10 years ago by none
other than Penthouse magazine:

Q: Did you hear about the Newfie that went ice fishing?
A: He brought home 50 pounds of ice. (And his wife drowned trying to
cook it.)
Q: Did you hear about the same Newfie when he went bear hunting?
A: He was following some tracks by the side of the road when he saw a sign that
said "Bear Left."....So he went home.

============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 17:23:40 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      It was the dog that died <poem>

AN ELEGY ON THE DEATH OF A MAD DOG by Oliver Goldsmith
          (from the "Vicar of Wakefield")

Good people all, of every sort,
     Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wond'rous short,
     It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man,
     Of whom the world might say,
That still a good race he ran,
     Whene'er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,
     To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
     When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,
     As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound,
     And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends,
          But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
     Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighboring streets
     The wond'ring neighbors ran,
And swore the dog had lost his wits,
     To bite so good a man.

The wound it seem'd both sore and sad
     To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
          They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,
     That shew'd the rogues they lied.
The man recover'd of the bite,
     The dog it was that died.
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 18:45:14 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sarajevo & Bush humor

Odds and end of humor from reading the newspaper:

People don't necessarily lose their sense of humor merely because their
life and culture is being destoried. In Sarajevo there are a lot of
jokes going around about their terrible shortages. Here are two examples
I heard recently:

   Do you know what happened when Jesus recently returned to Savajevo
(remember that this city is largely Moslem and the Christian are the
ones who are threatening to destory them) walking down a major street
carrying a huge wooden cross?

   Hey, where did you get the wood for that thing? (Laugh now. Nearly
all trees have been cut down for fuel. Information about where to find
the necessities of life are very important to these people).

Another one:

   A man, standing in food line, broke wind (farted). The woman standing
behind him asked, "Where did you find the beans?" (Smile or laugh,
that's funny in Sarajevo).

I'm sure some other subscribers can share additional examples of
hardship humor.

George Bush gave a speech and it had some humor:

   Former President George Bush was paid $100,000 to speak to the Amway
convention in Atlanta this past weekend. There were 75,000 people
attending the convention. Bush said that they were the "largest-audience
since leaving public housing in January." :-)

   The former president told the family oriented audience that he had
been learning to play Nintendo from an 8-year-old grandson and listening
to the scream of a 4-month-old grandson. "Such lung power. I'm convinced
he will be an American senator." :-)

As you can see, circumstance determines what we laugh about.

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner   [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
====
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============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 18:43:39 GMT+6
From:         "Neil G. Sapper" <[e-mail]>
Organization: Amarillo College PCAD-ML
Subject:      Warning: May be consdiered blasphemous

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I
had to kill becasue they ****ed me off.

============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 20:42:33 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Few Mildy Offensive Quickies

************************

Have you heard why the Mississippi has been having all the flooding problems?

Because Bill Clinton took all the dykes with him to Washington.

************************

Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida:

               WEDDING RING SET WITH
               numerous diamonds, $400 or
               trade for handgun.  874-0935

************************
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 19:43:49 -0700
From:         Shelli Jamison <[e-mail]>
Subject:      language joke

Q:  What do they call constipation in Germany?
A:  Farfrumpupen.
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 22:51:53 EDT
From:         Dan Hotopp 5-2931 <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com![e-mail]>
Organization: Antenna/Microwave/Integration WEC
Subject:      Monkey Joke (kinda gross)

A college Professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo.

He enjoyed looking at the varied wildlife as he wandered through the paths,
and sat down by the monkeys to rest.   He became very perplexed as he noticed
that one monkey had a bowl of peanuts, and would pull out a peanut, look at
it,  stuff it up his anus, take it out and eat it.

He watched the monkey do this until the entire bowl was empty.   Being
rather upset and confused by what he had witnessed, he went up to the
offices, and asked to speak with the zoo- keeper.

When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something was
definitely wrong with one of his monkeys.   After he related what he had
seen, the keeper gravely nodded his head and said that the monkey he had seen
was the smartest animal in the zoo.

Totally baffled, the Professor asked him how that could be?   "Well," said
the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a whole peach, and it hurt him so
bad when the pit came out, that now he checks everything before he eats it
to make sure it will fit!"
============
Date:         Tue, 7 Sep 1993 23:26:58 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      doctor's new machine-slightly obscene-very slightly]

A man went to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow.  The doctor
told him that he had a new diagnostic machine which could tell him
(the doctor) anything about a person and diagnose complaints at once.
 "Tell me, Doctor."  said the man, "How can that machine determine
tennis elbow from a urine sample?"  The doctor reassured him: "This
machine can tell anything."  The man insisted that he could not
urinate right then, so he would go home until the urge struck and
bring back the sample later.

He decided to play a trick on the doctor.  He told his wife,
and his teenaged daughter to piss in the cup.  The he collected
urine from his dog and a drop of oil from his car.  To top it off, he
masturbated and added yet another ingredient to his collection.
"I'll show him", he thought.

He went back to the doctor['s office and gave him the vial.  Soon,
the doctor came out of the office.  "I have the results."
"Well, doc, what's the prognosis?"  To which the doctor responded:

Well, your wife has a veneral disease, your daughter is pregnant,
your bitch dog is in heat, the car is about to throw a rod, and if
you don't quit jacking off, your tennis elbow will never heal!"
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 14:01:10 +1000
From:         Julie Ledster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Previous joke of Feminist/Wheelie Bin

Q.  What is the difference between a feminist and a wheelie bin?

A.  At least a wheelie bin gets taken out once a week.

I had a few questions regarding this joke, like what is a wheelie
bin.  A wheelie bin is like a garbage bin/dumpster on wheels.
I'm not sure if it is an American term, but that is what it is
known as in Australia.

Keep smiling. 8-)...

Julie Ledster.
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:08:46 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Sarajevo & Bush humor

Hardships in Sarajevo remind me another one from Moscow.

A man walks into a food store and asks what kind of meet they have today.
"The dog, grade B," the salesman says, "would you like some?"
"Well, if it's indeed the only sort you have, I might take a couple of pounds."

And after a while: "Hey, what are those pieces of wood supposed to be?"
The salesman: "Give me a break, man. Don't you know the B-grade meat comes with
the dog-hole?"

Note: Low-quality meat usualy is roughly chopped and contains big pieces of
bone. As the joke goes, with present hardships in Russia, they not just sell
dogs for food but dont even bother to take those dogs out of their holes before
chopping.

--Saul
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:33:25 +0100
From:         Keunen Vincent <[e-mail]>
Subject:      you need both english and french for this one (enfants non admis)

Les donnees, c'est sale.

Parce que les database.

Translation:

Les donnees, c'est sale.  => The data are dirty.

Parce que les database. => Because the data f**k.

We, in french, often use english words (as database).  But there are some
clashes.  "Baise" in french means "f**k" and is pronounced the same way as
the "base" from "database".

Similarly, "Phoque" in french is "Seal", but is pronounced like "f**k".  So
if you wanna "f**k", well, go ahead and get that seal ?!?    8-|

Hope I'm not offending anyone with this.  (otherwize, seal off...)

============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 11:11:09 +0100
From:         Keunen Vincent <[e-mail]>
Subject:      X rated - attractive female

This one is translated from french.  I hope the effect is the same in english.


Q: What do women put to their ears to look more attractive?

A: Their knees.

Vincent
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:37:11 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <[e-mail]>
Subject:      a Scottish poem

I can't believe someone posted the 'frayed knot' joke :-)

                       A Story About Haggis!
                       ---------------------

                Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay,
                Horace ate himself one day.
                He didn't stop to say his grace.
                He just sat down and ate his face.
                "We can't have this," his dad declared.
                "If that lad's ate, he should be shared!"
                But even as he spoke, they saw
                Horace eating more and more.
                First his legs and then his thighs;
                His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes.
                "Stop him, someone!" Mother cried,
                "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
                But all too late, for they were gone,
                And he had started on his dong.
                "Oh foolish child, " his father mourned,
                "We could have deep-fried that with prawns,
                "Some parsley, and some tartar sauce."
                But H. was on his second course.
                His liver and his lights and lung,
                His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue.
                "To think we raised him from the cot,
                "And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
                His mother cried, "What shall we do?
                "What's left won't even make a stew!"
                And as she wept, her son was seen
                To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
                And there he lay, a boy no more,
                Just a stomach on the floor.
                Nonetheless, since it was his,
                They ate it.  That's what haggis is.

                                          Anon.

============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:07:31 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Mildly Offensive

Q. What do you call a guy who mixes mortar with a pitchfork?
A. A mortar forker
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 11:15:52 -0500
From:         Cheryl Causey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Silly

Here's one I heard on WBAL radio in Baltimore yesterday. Dr. Jim Dasinger told
it during a discussion about foods that can alter your moods.

*****
A farmer's bull seemed to lacked his usual sexual drive and wasn't going near
the cows.  The farmer called the vet, who examined the bull and prescribed
something to stimulate the bull's interest.  A couple of weeks later, the
farmer ran into a friend who asked, "How's that bull?  Did the vet help?"
The farmer: "Thankfully, the bull is back to his former frisky self."
Neighbor: "What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?"
The farmer: "I don't know, but it tastes like licorice."
*****

*I* smiled when I heard it.
Cheryl
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 12:17:53 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Do you know where God lives?

This joke was told at an Italian wedding by the priest who had earlier
conducted the ceremony.  It went something like this:

  Sister Mary was one day teaching her class of grade three
children and she decided to test them out to see how much they learn't.
She says to the children; "Who knows where god lives ?"

  One little boy puts up his hand and says "I know where god lives, he
lives up there in the sky and the clouds"

  "That's very good, "says sister mary, "Does anyone else have another
answer?"

  A little girl puts up her hand and says "I know where god lives, he
lives in the ground and the hills and the grass everywhere."

  "That's very good,"says sister mary,"anyone else?"

  Then another boy says "I know where God lives for sure, he lives in my
home in the toilet."

  Sister Mary gets a little concerned and asks "How do you know that
young lad?"

  "Well,"says the boy, "every day, early in the morning I see my father
banging on the door of our toilet saying 'God are you still in there?'"
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 17:26:02 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: language joke

The brit slang for "beating the meat", "jack off" is "WANK".

So to describe someone as "a wanker" will not get you an invitation
home for supper!

Anyway, in Germany, according to my lover, there is a town pronounced

"VANK", and spelt (guess it!)

                WANK.

I would not send a postcard back to UK from Deutchland, saying:

.... I went to Wank, and I had a great time. It was so hot & sticky....."

O.K. you get the idea, You can add more stuff as long as you post it to
the list! :)

What about, "... and before I knew it, I was at Climax."

Derryck
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 12:23:29 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Freudian slip <adult theme>

From: [e-mail] (Alan Bleasby)
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: Freudian slip
Date: 25 Jul 1993 15:04:23 GMT
Organization: SERC Daresbury Lab, Warrington, U.K.

Two women meet in a supermarket.
"Oh, hello Mrs Jones. How are things?"
"Well, not too good actually. I made a bit of a Freudian slip this morning."
"What happened?"
"Well, I was sitting at the breakfast table with my husband and what I
meant to say was `Please pass the marmalade dear', what I actually said was
`You've totally screwed up my life you bastard'
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 13:14:36 EDT
From:         Dave Seitz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Phrase Game

          * * * * * * * *  P H R A S E  G A M E  * * * * * * * *

This test does not measure your intelligence, your knowledge or your
mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some guage of your mental
felxibility and creativity. In the three years since the test was
developed, few people have been found who could could solve more than half
the 24 questions on the first try. Many reported getting answers long after
the test had been set aside, and solved all the questions over a period of
several days. Take this as your personal challenge.

INSTRUCTIONS: Each question contains the initials of words that will make
it correct. Find the missing words. 52 W. in a Y. means 52 Weeks in a Year

A) 26 L. of the A.
B) 7 W. of the A. W.
C) 1001 A. N.
D) 12 S. of the Z.
E) 54 C. in the D. (with the J.)
F) 9 P. in the S.S.
G) 88 P. K.
H) 13 S. on the A. F.
I) 32 D. F. at which W. F.
J) 18 H. on a G. C.
K) 90 D. in a R. A.
L) 200 D. for P. G. in M.
M) 8 S. on a S. S.
N) 3 B. M. (S. H. T. R.!)
O) 4 Q in a G.
P) 24 H. in a D.
Q) 1 W. on a U.
R) 5 D. in a Z. C. (recently changed!)
S) 57 H. V.
T) 11 P. on a F. T.
U) 1000 W. that a P. is W.
V) 29 D. in F. in a L. Y.
W) 64 S. on a C.
X) 40 D. and N. in the G. F.
Answers:
A) 26 L. of the A.                     ** Letters of the Alphabet
B) 7 W. of the A. W.                   ** Wonders of the Ancient World
C) 1001 A. N.                          ** Arabian Nights
D) 12 S. of the Z.                     ** Signs of the Zodiac
E) 54 C. in the D. (with the J.)       ** Cards in the Desk with Jacks
F) 9 P. in the S.S.                    ** Planets in the Solar System
G) 88 P. K.                            ** Piano Keys
H) 13 S. on the A. F.                  ** Stripes on the American Flag
I) 32 D. F. at which W. F.             ** Degrees Far. at which Water Freezes
J) 18 H. on a G. C.                    ** Holes on a Golf Course
K) 90 D. in a R. A.                    ** Degrees in a Right Angle
L) 200 D. for P. G. in M.              ** $ for Passing GO in Monopoly
M) 8 S. on a S. S.                     ** Sides on a Stop Sign
N) 3 B. M. (S. H. T. R.!)              ** 3 Blind Mice (See How They Run!)
O) 4 Q in a G.                         ** Quarts in a Gallon
P) 24 H. in a D.                       ** Hours in a Day
Q) 1 W. on a U.                        ** Wheel on a Unicycle
R) 5 D. in a Z. C. (recently changed!) ** Digits in a Zip Code
S) 57 H. V.                            ** Heinz Varities
T) 11 P. on a F. T.                    ** Players on a Football Team
U) 1000 W. that a P. is W.             ** Words that a Picture is Worth
V) 29 D. in F. in a L. Y.              ** Days in Feb. in a Leap Year
W) 64 S. on a C.                       ** Squares on a Checker board
X) 40 D. and N. in the G. F.           ** Days and Nights in the Great Floo
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 13:20:48 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Alternate names for God (Non-Offensive)

Here's another God Story:

Sister Mary was teaching her Third Grade Religion Class one day and she asked
the children if they could tell her some of the names for God.  She got some
of the usual answers:

        Heavenly Father
        The Holy Spirit
        Jesus
        The Good Shepherd
        Yahweh
        Lord

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "HAROLD".  Sister Mary was confused, she
had never heard of God referred to as Harold before.  Johnny replied:  "We say
it every day ... Our Father, Who art in Heaven, HAROLD be thy name ...".

============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 10:35:09 -0700
From:         Joe Risser <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The law as it should be (crude)

One evening after the theater, two fellows were walking down the avenue.  They observed a well dressed,
attractive, young lady just ahead of them.  One turned to other and remarked: "I'd give $50 to spend the
night with her."  To their
surprise, the woman overheard the remark and turning around said, "I'll take up on that."  The man
accompanied the woman to her apt where they went to bed.

The next morning the man presented her with $25.  She asked for the rest saying
"If you don't give the other $25, I'll sue."  He laughed, "I'd like to see you
get it on those grounds."

The next day, he was surprised when served a summons offering his presence in
court.  He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details to him.  His lawyer
said "She can't possibly get a judgement against you but it will be interesting
to see how the case is presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer adresses the court, "Your honormy client is the owner of a
piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a
profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent for a specific
time to the defendant for the sum of $50.  The defendant took possession of the
property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon
evacuateion, paid only $25.  The rent was not excessive as it is restricted
property and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure
payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and somewhat amused.  His defense was
altered from what he had planned, "Your honor, my client agreed that the young
lady has a fine deed of property, that he did rent such property for the time, and a degree of pleasure was
derived from the transaction.  However, my client
found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a
shaft, and injected a pump, all being performed by him.  We claim these imp
improvements to the property are sufficient to effect the unpaid balance and the plaintiff was adequately
compensated for rent of said property.  We, therefore,
ask judgement to be directed for the defendant."

The young lady's lawyer came back with, "Your honor, my client agrees that the
defendant did find a well on the property and made improvements described.
However, if the defendant had not known the well existed, he would never have
rented the property.
Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out
the shaft and took the pump with him.  In so doing, he not only dragged the eq
equipment through the shrubbery but left the hole larger than it was prior to
his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children.  We, therefore,
ask judgement be granted."

...and damned if she didn't get it.]
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 11:02:31 -0700
From:         Ken Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive language

There were these two farmers, one was very wealthy and the other was poor.  Well
   it just happen to be that there wifes had birthdays on the same day.

The poor farmer said to the wealthy farmer, "What do you plan on getting your
wife for her birthday tomorrow?"

Well he says, "I'm going to get her a Mercedes and a Mink coat".

Why are you getting her a Mercedes AND a Mink coat?, says the poor farmer.

That way, if she doesn't like the mink coat, she can drive herself to the store
to return it!

RF: By the way, what do you plan on getting your wife tomorrow?

PF: A pair of slippers and a dildo.

RF: Why the dildo?

PF: That way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.


****************************
cute joke
****************************

This young girl about 5-7 years old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday
   after school.  Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that


she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well.  His
daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.

The next day the father came up with a plan.  He put some gasoline on the dogs
rear end to hide the cover the smell from the male dogs.

Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her
dog again.

About an hour later the girl returned without the dog.

The father asked what on earth has happened to the dog?

The girl replies: Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back and is being pushed
   home by another dog.
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 16:59:00 CDT
From:         THE UNICORN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      indian joke & nun jokes (hope these aren't too offending!)

Q.  What's black & white & red all over?
A.  A nun falling down the stairs
-----
Q.  What do you call a nun breakdancing?
A.  Twisted sister
-----
One day, this man was driving his car around town trying to go somewhere.
Well, he stopped at a traffic light and made an illegal u-turn.  An officer
pulled him over and asked him to roll down his window.  The officer than asked
him, "Sir, didn't you see the arrows?"
The man replied, "No officer, I didn't even see the Indians!"

(I heard this was based on a true story!)
============
Date:         Wed, 8 Sep 1993 19:58:21 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Vegetable jokes

waiter came to take the orders:  "I'll have a steak and a baked potato,"
said Hilary.  "And what about your vegetable, ma'am?"  "Oh, he'll have the
same."

There were these two carrots visiting Paris.  Wow, were they excited about
the sights.  They were really impressed by the Champs Elysees!  They
decide to cross the road, but one of the carrots is run over by a Deux
Chevaux.  Here comes the ambulance.  They put the carrot on a stretcher
and rush him off to the hospital.  The other carrot spends a horrible
night in the waiting room, praying that her boyfriend carrot will be
alright.  Finally the doctor comes:  "I have some good news and some bad
news.  He's going to live, but he'll always be a vegetable."
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 08:49:28 METDST
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Military education

An officer reads lectures to a group of soldiers. When he says: "Water boils
at 90 degrees" one of the soldiers dares to oppose: "Sir, water boils at 100
degrees centigrade". - "Are you sure?" - "I am sure, lieutenant." - "I'll
check it until the next lesson."
The next lesson the officer says: "Soldiers, make a correction in your notes
from the previous lesson: Water boils at 100 degrees. 90 degrees is right
angle."
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 02:32:10 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Light bulb joke

This one's a bit different

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.



Question for the linguists: any non-English translation
of the above that would keep the flavor/meaning of the piece?

- Linda
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 08:47:29 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      DH Lawrence poem about intimacy

INTIMATES by D. H. Lawrence

Don't you care for my love? she said bitterly.

I handed her the mirror, and said:
Please address these questions to the proper person!
Please make all requests to head-quarters!
In all matters of emotional importance
please approach the supreme authority direct!--
So I handed her the mirror.
And she would have broken it over my head,
but she caught sight of her own reflection
and that held her spellbound for two seconds
while I fled.
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 09:12:21 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A funny based on Fr. word "baiser" <Adult Language>

From: [e-mail] (Arno Schaefer)
Organization: Institut Imag, Grenoble, France
Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1993 11:53:45 GMT

|> In Germany, those fluffy sweets objects made out of beaten egg white and
|> sugar, are called "Baiser" (pronounced in a French way, so most Germans
|> think it's correct French). In French, the same food objects are called
|> "Meringues", and "Baiser" means to f*ck. So if a German asks for
|> Baiser in a French bakery... I'm sure it happens every now and then.

Not quite. 'baiser' as a noun simply means 'kiss'. Only as a verb it has
a vulgar meaning. Nevertheless 'donnez moi un baiser' will probably get
you into an embarrassing situation ;-)

I really wonder why in Germany a french word is used for this, but a
different one than in France...

I guess it is the result of a misunderstanding a long time ago :-)
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 15:42:40 +0200
From:         Joerg Findeisen CEDAR <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re, Re Language Jokes

Here in Vienna we have a well known bakery called "Anker" (the german word
for anchor btw).
Vienna is spelled Wien here.
You can get licence plates with a text of your choice for you car.
So much for your information.
Now comes the funny part:
The first letter of the city's name is always the first on the plate.
So the company "Anker" has trucks all over Vienna with licence plates
like:
WAnker 1
WAnker 2
WAnker 3
  .
  .
WAnker 8

and so on ...
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 15:43:43 +0200
From:         Oesterlich Tapfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Camel joke

A tourist rents a camel to an old Bedouin, who tells him :
- It's a very capricious animal, sometimes it stops and won't continue.
- What do I do then ?
- You take these two bricks I give you, and when it stops, you get down,
  walk behind it, and (*smash*) crush its balls between the bricks !
- God, it must hurt terribly !
- No, look : if you hold them this way, with your thumbs on the upper
  side, it doesn't hurt at all.

Oesterlich
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 10:38:43 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Light bulb joke (sexual content)

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter--they screw in Jacuzzis.
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 10:59:30 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bloopers

>This apparently happened during a Cubs telecast last week:
>
>At a lull in the action the camera was panning the crowd and our local
>announcer was commenting on action in the stands.  Came into view a young
>couple who were being affectionate after each pitch.  Unfortunately, the
>announcer's description  came out as:
>
>"Look at those two - he kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the
>balls."
>
>---
>
>Jeff Kallenbach                          [e-mail]
>Fermi National Accelerator Lab           PHONE: [phone]
>Physics Analysis Tools                   FAX:   [phone]
>Graphics & Human Interfaces



>A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is
>asking him questions.
>
>"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
>"Yes"
>"What was stolen?"
>"Two televisions"
>"Did you see the thiefs?"
>"Yes"
>"Could you identify them?"
>"Yes"
>"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
>
>At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.  What's a defense
>attorney to do?  :)
>
>  Derry Lyons, N7YPG                    Voice   [phone]
>  NOAA/AFSC    F/AKC1                   Fax     [phone]
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 11:04:27 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

ROSSVILLE, GA--Two horse riders were charged with driving under the influence
after they collided with a car on a road at night, authorities said.

Under Georgia law, anyone in control of a "moving vehicle" can be charged
with DUI, said Trooper Kerry Dyer of the Georgia State Patrol.

Dyer issued citations to horse riders Jerry Lee Derryberry, 49, and his son,
Bobby Derryberry, 24, for DUI and riding horses in an unlawful manner.
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 08:17:00 LCL
From:         Michael Cottam <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re, Re Language Jokes

Here in Oregon, near Portland, is a place called "Wanker's Corner".  Honest.
It's even on the map.
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 15:56:35 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A bar joke

Crocodile walks into a bar.

Barman says "What the matter, why are you looking so sad?".

Croc "I'm Not feeling sad at all".

Barman "Then why the long face?"
============
Date:         Thu, 9 Sep 1993 19:22:20 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Writer Under Death Sentence

                                  Copyright 1993 by Byron Lanning

NEW BOOK INFLAMES CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVES

Dogma/September 9 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

     Writer Cannonball Gainsay has received a death sentence from
Christian conservatives angered over his just published book
America Is Based on Judaic-Christian Values: Blah, Blah, Blah.
Because of the threat, Gainsay has gone underground, and according
to well-paid sources, he is camping out in a pup tent somewhere in
Salman Rushdie's hiding place.

     Gainsay has never written a book before and does not
understand the controversy. He says if he had known all the trouble
a writer must endure to publish a book, he wouldn't have published
it. He would have left the manuscript in his crash helmut where he
keeps all things of importance to him like his head and remained a
human cannonball for the Bernoulli Brothers' Circus and Giant
Jackrabbit Rodeo.

     In his book, Gainsay does exhaustive research into the origins
of America's political system. He finds that constitutional
government, democracy, and individual rights have their roots in
Greece not in the Bible, that the founding fathers of America used
the philosophies of Aristotle, Solon, and Pericles as references to
form the Constitution not Moses, the Gospels, or St. Paul. Since
the Greeks did not believe in the Judaic-Christian God but in pagan
gods and tolerated homosexuality, Gainsay concludes America is not
a Judaic-Christian country but a pagan-homosexual country.

     No book has angered Christian conservatives more than
Gainsay's book. Not even the book I'm OK You're OK has created this
much turmoil among them. In response to the book, hundreds of
Christian conservatives have formed an organization called Call Us
Secular Humanists and You're Dead (CUSHYAD) to stop publication of
the book. In general, members of Rev. Pat Robertson's 700 Club,
supporters of Pat Buchanan's 1992 Presidential bid, and
rehabilitated drag queens, who stopped wearing short skirts, low
cut tops, and going braless when they became "born again,"  make up
CUSHYAD. The organization group does not want to stop just at
preventing the publication of Gainsay's book. It has also put a
death sentence on Gainsay, and at this moment its members are
searching the countryside with astrologers and opera glasses for
Salman Rushdie's hiding place.

     However, Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan have distanced
themselves from CUSHYAD's death sentence on Gainsay. For instance,
Pat Buchanan says he does not condone the murder of Gainsay but
favors his death. In a broadcast of The 700 Club, Robertson said he
favors Gainsay's murder only in a metaphorical sense, only in a
loving Christian way. "He should be given every opportunity to have
a personal interview with God as soon as possible," Robertson said.
When he made the statement, his eyes rolled back, his head rotated
360 degrees, and some green slime slithered out of his mouth. His
studio audience stood, clapped, and cried, "Hallelujah! It's a
miracle."
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 10:18:51 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CD-ROM (might be insulting)

The National Information Services (located in Baltimore, MD) sells a CD-ROM
reference called "Women, Water and Sanitation". No kidding.

-- Saul
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 09:50:16 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      I understand that it would be considered 'bad taste' to introduce
              myself as Randy. eg "Hi, I'm randy"

Not bad taste, but rather on the forward side.  The equivalent
perhaps of "Hi, I'm horny".  Guaranteed to go down well in
parties.  By the way, I always felt that Randy Vanwarmer was a
great name.  It has descriptive possibilities as well as being a
name.   PS when I was in college there was a guy with a name of
Nick Childharmer.  Guess he wouldn't get a Social Services job.
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 07:11:39 EDT
From:         Cathy Krusberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another personal name

I once took a class (in college) with a woman who had worked
as a substitute teacher and encountered a grade-school student
named "Randy Bachelor."  She thought he was pulling her leg.
The other students found her incredulity a lot funnier than they
found Randy's name.

Makes you wonder about the parents, doesn't it?


Cathy Krusberg
ckberg@uga
[e-mail]
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 07:55:56 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blowing on his hands <Mulla Nasrudin>

BLOWING ON HIS HANDS

     Nasrudin is visited by a would-be disciple.  The man, after
many vicissitudes, arrives at the hut on the mountain side where
the Mulla is sitting.  Knowing that every single action of the
illuminated Sufi is meaningful, the newcomer asks Nasrudin why he
is blowing on his hands.  "To warm myself in the cold, of course."

     Shortly afterward, Nasrudin pours out two bowls of soup, and
blows on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?" asks the
disciple.  "To cool it, course," says the teacher.

     At this point the disciple leaves Nasrudin, unable to trust
any longer a man who uses the same process to arrive a different
results--heat and cold.
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 08:56:33 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      For women only <may offend some boys>

I saw this sign in an office yesterday:

"A woman has to work twice hard to been seen as a equal to a man
who does half as much work."
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 08:58:59 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Blonde's Dictionary, non sexual

Subj: A Blonde's Glossary
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Artery --------------- The study of paintings
    Bacteria ------------- The back door of a cafeteria
    Barium --------------- What you do to a patient when treatment is bad
    Bowel ---------------- A, E, I, O, U A nd sometimes Y
    C-Section ------------ A part of the city of Rome
    Cat Scan ------------- Searching for kitty
    Cauterize ------------ Made eye contact with her
    Coma ----------------- A punctuation mark
    Congenital ----------- Very friendly
    D & C ---------------- Where the white house is
    Dilate --------------- To live long
    Enema ---------------- Not a friend
    Fester --------------- Quicker
    Genital -------------- Non- Jewish
    G. I. Series --------- The end of the armed services ball season
    Hangnail ------------- A coat hook
    High Colonic --------- Jewish Holiday
    Important ------------ V.I.P.
    Labor Pain ----------- An on the job injury
    Medical Staff -------- A doctor's walking stick
    Morbid --------------- The highest offer
    Nitrate -------------- No daylight discount
    Node ----------------- Previously learned
    Pap Smear ------------ A test for fatherhood
    Pelvis --------------- Elvis' cousin
    Postoperative -------- A letter carrier
    Recovery Room -------- An upholstery shop
    Rectum --------------- A two car collision
    Secretion ------------ Trying to hide something
    Seizure -------------- A former Roman Emperor
    Tablet --------------- A small table
    Terminal Illness ----- Throwing up at the air port
    Tibia ---------------- A country in North Africa
    Tumor ---------------- More than one
    Urine ---------------- When you're not outside
    Varicose ------------- You're getting warm


This was stolen from Fidonet's Humor Conference

The Humorous cedit goes to ......................
I hope you all like them if I get a hold of any more I'll post them too!
                                       Brenda Sager
--- GEcho 1.01+
 * Origin: Call Me or Else! 412-838-0109 Greensburg Pa. USA (1:2610/22)
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 09:19:25 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Re: For women only <may offend some boys>

I received this from a friend at work:

>I have a tee-shirt that my sister sent me.  On the front it says,
>"For a woman to earn as much in a day as a man, she would have to
>work until 10:30 at night."  The back says, "and then who would fix
>dinner?"
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 09:42:31 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blonde & Lesbian jokes (Offensive)

I recently spotted this tee shirt on a blonde female while I was on
vacation in Lake George, NY:

           "Please speak slowly to me.  I'm a natural blonde."


Have you heard about the lesbian construction company?  All of their work
is tongue-in-groove.

(For those unfamiliar with construction, tongue-in-groove is a technique
where boards are put together with slots on one edge, and tongues on the
other.  This adds strength to the finished product.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Arthur Emerson III                 Email:      [e-mail]
 LAN Manager                                    (192.245.86.4)
 Mount Saint Mary College           MaBell:     [phone] Ext. 3109
 330 Powell Ave.                    Fax:        [phone]
 Newburgh, NY  12550                SneakerNet: Aquinas Hall Room 13

Still seeking an answer to one of life's greatest mysteries: Does the
water in a toilet in the southern hemisphere REALLY circulate
counterclockwise when you flush it?  At the equator, does it go straight
down?
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 11:23:31 EDT
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Remarkable Names of Real People

I went to high school with a girl named Ann Teeter.  She said she was five
years old before her parents realized what they had done to her.  She once
showed me a letter she received from a man named Art Vark, which said he
was glad he found someone else with the same problem, and that Art's father
had the same problem because his name was Jonah.
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 11:54:14 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more names

I have had more than one friend who claimed that he/she had a friend
wityh the rather cruel surname of Zass, e.g. Judy Zass, Mary Zass,
John Zass, etc.  I never met one myself, though.

Theresa Muir
[e-mail]
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 11:11:51 -0500
From:         irma <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Remarkable Names of Real People
On Fri, 10 Sep 1993, William A. Reitwiesner wrote:

**** I worked with a man named HUGH BETCHA once and there is a law office
here called, Steale, Cheate, and Crooke.
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 14:05:36 -0500
From:         Julie Kotok <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more names

I guy I went to high school with father's name is Foek Hioue.
That was everyone's favorite joke in high school.
julie
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 13:24:14 -0500
From:         irma <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cartoon
On Fri, 10 Sep 1993, Dave Seitz wrote:

Here's a cute cartoon:


    o                      <o>                        _(*)
   /\           o           )          `\-o         _\/    \/          x
  -\>'        -\<,        -\>'      (*)/ <,        (*)`    _\ _      *&!
(*)/ (*)    (*)/ (*)    (*)/ (*)          (*)             '  o `    #@!&%
-----------------------------------------------^^^---------------------------
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 10:16:02 -0700
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.D  -  A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

----------------------------------------------------

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

----------------------------------------------------

        The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking
lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms
of centimeters of rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to
metric.  I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:
                            All signs metric
                             next 20 miles

----------------------------------------------------

The most dangerous organization in America today is:
        a)  The KKK
        b)  The American Nazi Party
        c)  The Delta Frequent Flyer Club

----------------------------------------------------

     At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining
weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.
 After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone
else.  This became known as the "Moron Tab and Apple Choir".

----------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Iranian who made an operator-assisted telephone call
to his homeland?
He wanted the operator to set up a Persian-to-Persian call.

----------------------------------------------------

     Recently, Munich, Germany was having a severe problem
with there dog population.  It was skyrocketing beyond belief.
In a matter of a couple of weeks, the population doubled and
then even tripled.  They had to put together a special
emergency committee to solve the problem.  But, the dogs
continued to multiply.  The dogs started to infest Munich's
neighboring city's.  One day, the committee got a call from
a nearby mill.  The man was frantic.
        "Please, you've got to send help!
        The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

----------------------------------------------------

I was quite surprised by a recently acquired tape, "Don't Ask" by Frank Hayes.
 The first verse of the title song goes something like this:

The orders come down and they march us away.
There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
But it's better than working for Xerox.

----------------------------------------------------

        "The galaxy-spanning luminous arcs reported by M. Mitchell
        Waldrop in Research News on 6 February have a very simple
        explanation.  They are part of the scaffolding that was not
        removed when the contractor went bankrupt owing to cost
        overruns."
                                        "Arthur C. Clarke, Sri Lanka"

------------------------------------------------

"Great ideas are better than good ones because they both take about the same
amount of time to develop and the great ideas aren't  obsolete when you're done."

----------------------------------------------------

"Studies show 80 percent of all Americans know about home computers. That's
higher than the percentage of Americans who know about sex."
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 16:41:24 EDT
From:         Bill Prokasy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Story

A recent posting reminds me of a related story...

A young man who grew up in the eastern US was reaching the time where he
felt he had to strike out on his own.  This was difficult for him to do
because, though he had lost his parents as a child, he was reared by the
ever-supportive and kindly families of his three uncles.  These uncles,
devoted to the young man, had expected him to take over their jointly-held
business.  The business was a highly successful restaurant.  The
restaurant was successful because the uncles, each of whom had a good
singing voice, also served as singing waiters.

The young man, even though trained as a teen-ager in the restaurant
business, told his uncles that he had to leave to see if he was good
enough to set up his own business and succeed at it.  He had decided to go
to Salt Lake City and operate a tavern.  His view was that if he could
successfully develop a tavern in Salt Lake City he would be able to cut it
anywhere.  His uncles were wholly unhappy at this and told him that only
a moron would leave the east to go to Salt Lake City to create and operate
a tavern.

Being self-confident, the young man nonetheless left New England and went
to Salt Lake City.  He was sufficiently amused at the lack of confidence
his uncles had placed in him that when he developed his tavern he called
it the "Moron Tavern."  And he succeeded!  Within three years he had a
going concern and, in fact, was interested in getting more capital in
order to expand.  His uncles, by now impressed with their nephew, not only
agreed to provide the capital for expansion, but decided now that they
were up in years, to sell their own business and move to Salt Lake City.

With the expanded "Moron Tavern" there was room for a little
entertainment, and the three uncles, wanting to keep occupied, suggested
to their nephew that they would be happy to put on several singing
performances a week just for the fun of doing it.  The young man happily
accepted their offer and there began an even more successful phase of the
Moron Tavern.  The fame of the uncles spread rapidly and it became
apparent that they were going to be a fixture in the Tavern and could be
available for performances elsewhere.  They hired their nephew as the
agent and became known thereafter as "The Moron Tavern Uncles' Choir."

William F. Prokasy           Phone: [phone]
108 Old College              FAX:   [phone]
Athens, GA 30602             Internet: [e-mail]
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 15:16:37 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Eiffel Tower (PG)

Heard from Barry Farber, radio talk show host....

Every single day, without fail, this little old man
would have lunch in the little cafe inside the Eiffel
Tower in Paris.  The manager of the cafe assumed that
the man ate there every day because he loved the food
or because he loved the Tower.  Finally, after a few
years, the manager approached the man and said, "Excuse
me sir, we have appreciated your business these many
years, but I have often wondered... do you eat here
so often because of the food or because of the Tower?"
And the man replied, "I eat here because of the Tower.
This is the only place in town where I don't have to
look at the damn thing!"
============
Date:         Fri, 10 Sep 1993 15:25:12 -0700
From:         Alan Lutz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: more names
I also knew a guy whose name was Sass.  I didn't even realize why Tim's
last name was funny for a while till I said it together fast.

There is another man I know of named Richard Head.  No one calls him Dick.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alan Lutz         [e-mail]
Oxnard, CA
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 07:30:43 EDT
From:         Bert Headrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Clean" but mildly offensive to men?

Subject: "Clean" but mildly offensive to men?

To Sara Rummelhart from one of the boys who was not offended.

Charlotte Whitton, a mayor of Ottawa Canada during the 1950s-60s
and a feminist before her time used the quote

"A woman has to work twice as hard to be seen as equal to a man
who does half as much"

She, however, went on to say, "Fortunately for women, this is not
hard to do!"


Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, ST LAWRENCE COLLEGE, BROCKVILLE CAMPUS
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 21:34:56 GMT+10
From:         Ken Price <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Real names

re odd names:
(1) The Hobart, Tasmania phone books lists an  A. Nus, who allegedly has a
brother Peter who is not even game to have his name listed due to the crank
calls.
(2) the Assistant Principal at the College here is called  Barb Dwyer.  We
are waiting until we can name a fence in her honour.
(3) An Australian circus company called Sole Brothers Circus has as one of
its owners a Robert Sole who does NOT like receiving letters addressed to
 R Sole
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 10:38:22 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Al Gore's Top 10

Al Gore's List of the Top 10 Good Things About Being Vice President
-------------------------------------------------------------------

10.  Police escort gets you to the movies faster.
 9.  You know that game tetherball?  I played tetherball with the
     inventor of tetherball.
 8.  After they sign a bill, there's lots of free pens.
 7.  If you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads
     "President of the United States."
 6.  I get intellectual property rights to my speeches.
 5.  Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice
     Presidents Week on Jeopardy.
 4.  You don't have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman show.
 3.  You get to eat all the french fries the president can't get to.
 2.  You don't have to be a good speller to get the job.
 1.  Secret Service code name "Buttafuoco."

============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 13:46:33 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      GIFT

                ____________________________________________
                I                                          I
                I                                          I
                I     G I F T   C E R T I F I C A T E      I
                I                                          I
                I          for one free visit to           I
                I                                          I
                I           Dr.  Jack Kevorkian            I
                I                                          I
                I                                          I
                I__________________________________________I
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 13:55:55 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Burma Shave

David Ogilvy uses the following annonymous verse (written in the Burma Shave
tradition) as an example of writing in conversational English:

   Carnation Milk is the best in the land,
   Here I sit with a can in my hand.
   No tits to pull, no hay to pitch,
   Just punch a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 17:30:22 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: GIFT
When I saw the title:  Re: GIFT, my first thought was that it was a German
word.  Gift is "poison."  That was good for a small laugh.

On Sat, 11 Sep 1993, Ed Johnson wrote:
>                 ____________________________________________
>                 I                                          I
>                 I     G I F T   C E R T I F I C A T E      I
>                 I          for one free visit to           I
>                 I           Dr.  Jack Kevorkian            I
>                 I__________________________________________I
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 22:28:00 +0200
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      INSULTING-TO-WOMEN?

"Women, Water and Sanitation?"  Not bad.
Here local doctors have signs reading:  "Women and other diseases."
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 20:20:34 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jay Leno Mottos

Humorous mottos for the Jay Leno* Fan Club (from the New Yorker,
13 September 1993, p. 83):

I, for one, do not find Jay Leno paingfully embarrassing to watch!

Jay Leno does not try too hard!

Jay Leno: A man just about to hit his stride!

Jay Leno: He's not that bad!

Everybody back off and leave poor Jay Leno alone!

It's not easy to do what Jay Leno does, night after night!

*Note for our international members: Jay Leno is a comedian who is the
host of a late night night talk and variety show on American TV.

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner   [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
====
To control your mail send LISTSERV@UGA the command SUB HUMOR
Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR MAIL (this
is the default option) if you want to receive mail as it is posted;
SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a day; SET
HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting privileges or if you prefer to
to access HUMOR by downloading archieved files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to
leave the list. HUMOR is archieved in 3000 line logs; to get the log
numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA
============
Date:         Sat, 11 Sep 1993 19:42:20 -0500
From:         Leo Anderson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Real Names

        Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike Hawk.

        Whenever I try to page him anywhere whomever answers the phone says
        that they've heard that one, and promptly hang up on me.

        For people who don't understand,  Cock is slang for penis around here.

        [e-mail]
============
Date:         Sun, 12 Sep 1993 12:57:06 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Why are you looking here? <Mulla>

MORE LIGHT

     One night a neighbor found Nasrudin down on his knees looking
for something under the street light.

     "What have you lost, Mulla?"

     "My key," said Nasrudin.

     After a few minutes of searching, the other man said, "Where
did you drop it?"

     "By my house."

     "Then why, for heaven's sake, are you looking here?"

     "There is more light here."
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:55:49 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike Hawk.
              (possibly offensive)

A friend tells me of a time when he got a young secretary to
page "Mike Hunt".  This, naturally, resulted in the secretary
asking "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" loud & clear over the tannoy
in the office.
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 09:18:00 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      American Indian Names Joke

This is a real old one, but maybe someone hasn't heard it yet.

There were these three American Indians sitting around this campfire one
night, discussing where their parents got their names from.

The first Indian said, "My parents decided to call me Jumping Deer because
when they were conceiving me, a deer went jumping over them."

The second Indian said, "My parents named me Running Waterfall because
when I was conceived, they were next to a waterfall."

The third Indian said, "This is really strange.  My parents also named me
after something that happened when I was conceived.  They named me Broken
Condom because....."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Arthur Emerson III                 Email:      [e-mail]
 LAN Manager                                    (192.245.86.4)
 Mount Saint Mary College           MaBell:     [phone] Ext. 3109
 330 Powell Ave.                    Fax:        [phone]
 Newburgh, NY  12550                SneakerNet: Aquinas Hall Room 13
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 08:59:58 -0500
From:         irma <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of Mike
              Hawk. (possibly offensive)


> A friend tells me of a time when he got a young secretary to
> page "Mike Hunt".  This, naturally, resulted in the secretary
> asking "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" loud & clear over the tannoy
> in the office.

*******************

And then there was the girl named Helen Hunt who worked at the lost and
found at a  movie theatre.  When a pair of keys were found the following
page was made, "If anyone has lost a set of keys, please go to Helen
Hunt for them."

(Bart Simpson has some pretty good ones too!)  :)

irma
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 10:17:12 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Farm Joke, Clean Text but.......

One day a farmer had decided the time had come to sell his land.
He and his wife were getting on in years, all the children were
grown and they thought they'd buy a condo in Florida.  Shortly
after the farmer put a "FOR SALE" sign in front of the house a
man stopped by to look at the place.  He explained he was from
the city, needed to get out of the rat race and wanted a modest
spread he could work himself.

After looking the place over he decided it was perfect.  Just
the right size and not too far from his family.  He told the
farmer "You know, this is perfect.  But there's only one problem.
When I was walking around I noticed there are an awful lot of
bees here.  And I'm deathly allergic to bee stings.  I'd really
like to buy the place but I'm terribly frightened of the things."

The farmer replied, "There's always been bees around but in the
thirty years I've worked this farm I've never been stung once.
I tell you what I'll do.  The weather's very pleasant today.
Why don't you take off your clothes and I'll tie you to that
tree for a few hours.  If the bees have a tendency to sting
you won't be able to get away and you'll know what you're up
against.  And if a single bee stings you, I'll GIVE you the
farm.  However, if you don't get stung, you agree to pay my
asking price."

The city man agreed, took off his clothes and the farmer tied
him to the tree and went off to work in his fields for awhile.
A few hours later when he returned to check on the man he found
him exhausted, dishevelled and as worn out as wet rag.  The only
thing holding him up were the straps securing him to the tree.
The farmer exclaimed "What on earth happened?  Did a bee sting
you?"  And the man wearily replied, "No.....but doesn't that
calf have a mother?"

Kathleen Olivier
ADKO@NMUMUS
********************************************************
* When all is okay, and going your way,                *
* It's easy to smile, not frown.                       *
* But the person worthwhile, is the one who can smile, *
* When their sandwich falls jelly-side down.           *
********************************************************
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 08:51:00 LCL
From:         Michael Cottam <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Speaking of real named I have a friend by the name of M

A friend tells me of a time when he got a young secretary to
page "Mike Hunt".  This, naturally, resulted in the secretary
asking "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" loud & clear over the tannoy
in the office.

Other good ones:

Ben Dover
Phil McCracken
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:46:29 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Prudence <a poem>

Here are some thoughts of "archy", the famous cockroach, who lives with his

prudence by archy (Don Marquis)

i do not think a prudent one
will ever aim too high
a cockroach seldom whips a dog
and seldom should he try

and should a locust take a vow
to eat a pyramid
he likely would wear out his teeth
before he ever did

i do not think the prudent one
hastes to initiate
a sequence of events which he
lacks power to terminate

for should i kick the woolworth tower
so hard i laid it low
it probably might injure me
if it fell on my toe

i do not think the prudent one
will be inclined to boast
lest circumstances unforeseen
should get him goat and ghost

for should i tell my friends i d drink
the hudson river dry
a tidal wave might come and turn
my statements to a lie
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:52:52 E
From:         Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Thoughts of others

   ___       May you never feel alone knowing my thoughts      ___
  <*,*>                    are with you.                      <*,*>
  (} {)                                                       (} {)
---"-"---                                                   ---"-"---
          Don't walk in front of me...  I may not follow
             Don't walk behind me...  I may not lead
              Just walk BESIDE me & be my friend

     THE BUMBLEBEE CAN NOT FLY-According to recognized aerodynamic tests,
the bumblebee can not fly because of the shape & weight of his body in
relation to the total wing area.
      BUT the Bumblebee doesn't know this so HE GOES AHEAD AND FLIES anyway!

Everyone's life is a fairy tale, written by God's fingers.
                                                 Hans Christian Anderson

Better to be the quiet smile on a man's lips than the boast on his tongue.

                     Forgiveness = ultimate revenge
                    Indifferance = ultimate insult

There are no guarentees in this life-take your blessings as they come, &
          cherish them for however long you have them.

                   What isn't tried -- Won't Work.
                         Claude McDonald

You can neither win or lose if you don't run the race.
                                                    BOWIE
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:57:26 -0400
From:         "SARAH M. LIBERMAN" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Silly Name

Hi!  How about this name:

Hugh Jass

(Hey, has anyone seen a Hugh Jass around here?  That's right - I'm looking for
a Hugh Jass!)

*smile*

Oh, another one:

Seymour Butts

(Hey, I wanna Seymour Butts!)

Sarah L. *smile*
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 12:28:03 CST
From:         Bill Rauscher <[e-mail]>
Organization: Claims By Computer, Inc.
Subject:      Another Clinton Joke

Bill was walking along the beach when he noticed a bottle sticking up
through the sand.  He reached down to pick it up, brushed it off and
stuck it under his arm as there was no trash can close to deposit it.
A few seconds later, smoke started coming out of the bottle.
Startled, he dropped the bottle.  Much to his surprise a genie
appeared.  The genie said, "I really appreciate you letting me out of
that bottle.  I've been in there for years.  For doing this, I will
grant you a wish.  What do you want more than anything else?"  Bill
thought for a while and said, "I want to be known now and until the
end of time as being the person responsible for causing peace to
happen in the Middle East."  The genie said, "OH MY!, that's a huge
request.  I'm only a junior genie and there is only one genie in the
whole universe who can accomplish that!"  "What is your second
wish?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "I want my wife and daughter to
be known throughout the world as being the most desirable and
beautiful women in the world."  The genie smiled and nodded and then
thought a moment.  With a puzzled look on his face he said, "What was
your first wish?"
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 14:16:45 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      THE Rules < May offend Men >

                        THE RULES.

1. The female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules,
she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which
was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female may change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed
written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants
him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether
or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat,
lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

17. The female is ready when she is ready.

18. The male must be ready at all times.
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 15:44:22 GMT-6

From:         "Neil G. Sapper" <[e-mail]>
Organization: Amarillo College PCAD-ML
Subject:      Re: Rush Limbaugh

A recent post to HUMOR about Rush Limbaugh and open minds reminded me:
What's the difference Rush Limbaugh and a Blue Whale?

--50 pounds and a sport coat
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 16:18:03 -0600
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more names

In grade school, there was a boy with the first name Vartkis.  And in
junior high, a boy named Ernest Bright said he was already looking
for someone named Early with an eye to forming a partnership in
whatever business appealed to both of them.
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 17:26:27 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.E     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

----------------------------------------------------

"If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws."

There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
what you're talking about.
                                --- John von Neumann

New Freeway Signs:
12 gauge and over use TRUCK  ROUTE
RELOADERS  use right lane

If you have tried to pick up or drop off passengers at Los Angeles International
Airport, this should be familiar to you.
The white zone is for loading and unloading of guns only ... no shooting.

Don't go away mad...
Just go away!

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.  I said "Hi Jack."  He shot me.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
   -- Harry S Truman

"Friends come & go, but enemies accumulate."

----------------------------------------------------

     Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been
married years.  Bob had always want to go flying.  The desire deepen each
time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.  Bob would ask, and Sue
would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
      The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so
he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's atleast
watch.  And once he got there the feeling become real strong.  Sue and Bob
started an arguement.  The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to
they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and
if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you
pay ten dollars.
     So off they flew.  The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
 Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of
the dive at just the very last second.  Not a word.  Finally he admited defeat
and went back the air port.
     "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
     "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

----------------------------------------------------

     Out in the old rest, in a dingy, two bit town, there was a bar, built
of a few pieces of wood, and a couple sheets.  A dog came in one hot dusty
afternoon and asked for a beer.  After the bartender got over his surprise,
he yelled "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind."
     "Not till I get some rye."
     "Get out of here now!"
     "No way, I want my drink."
     The bartender pulled out a rifle and shot the dog in the leg.  The dog
limbed out, bleeding all over the place.
     A couple days later the door swings open, there's the dog, dress in
a black vest, a big ten gallon hat, and two pearl handled pistels.
     "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
============
Date:         Mon, 13 Sep 1993 20:39:00 PST
From:         "KEN DUNMIRE <[e-mail]>" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Names

The greatest fear on the deck of an aircraft carrier with combat or air
manuevers is FIRE.  When ther was a fire...the bosn mate would announce
over the ships public address system ...FIRE...location.  They found out
once many years ago...the bosn mate could attract much attention by paging
their leader....FRYER...REPORT TO THE BRIDGE. After a couple dozen of these
they "got the word"
============
Date:         Tue, 14 Sep 1993 13:54:00 GMT
From:         Stuart Podell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humorous Greeting Card

At the risk of starting a "Humorous Greeting Card" war, here's something I saw
the other day on a birthday card:

"If Mike Brady was such a great architect then how come he designed a house that
only had one bathroom for six kids?!"

(Note:  This joke is in reference to the popular TV sitcom "The Brady Bunch")
============
Date:         Tue, 14 Sep 1993 11:24:54 E
From:         Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Poem  (Rated G)

I am submitting this to list for an anonymous friend. She would appreciate
you comments about what she has written. All comments will be forwarded
to her.


I think I'm going to run away & live in a tent,
     Become a hermit & never pay rent.
No Electricity-No Bills-No Responsibilities-No Street Address
     I'll hade where no one can find me--disappear from the clinch.

Pitch a tent on top of a mountain or maybe on the bottom of the sea
     Just somewhere where no can find me!!
I'll change my name & never speak,
     Staying hidden in shadow's for weeks upon weeks.

I think I will walk there leaving no trail
      Disappearing into nothingness without a trace-
Maybe hide in a cave-reveling in the darkness alone but unafraid.

by LYNX
============
Date:         Tue, 14 Sep 1993 16:19:15 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Helpful advice for tourists in England *language* *innuendo*

Helpful advice for tourists in England

Hello, and welcome to England, You'll find England a warm sunny country,
with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might
expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities.

- Street Traders - use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are
honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency.
The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively,
don't be afraid  to offer them credit cards.
They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes,
such as: "I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard".

-Coming by car? Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only
parking lines  in the streets. You may park here for as long as you
like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park
charges.

-Also look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets;
don't be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automa-
tically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave.

-Taxis - This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them
 on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip:
 the driver will feel insulted.
 London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their
liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you don't, pretend to have
left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship.
- Ask them to take youto the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary.
- Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian
parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black,
you get extra points.
- Tell  them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital
punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War.
- Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff.
-If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their
luggage into the one taxi;get your driver to take  all the luggage up to
your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of
proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest
to him that the Royal Family should be abolished.

The Police

Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness,
open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions
or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as:
"Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet?" or
"Is that a truncheon you've got in your pocket, or are you just pleased
to see me?". Don't call them "Bobby" though; try "sweetie", "ducky",
or "woodentop" instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction.
Don't forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via
their personal radio; just ask.

Look out for the next edition of Tourist Tips for England, in which
we'll feature "The Albert Hall - best least-known tourist hotel in towm",
"Take Tea with the PM at Number Ten", and "What is the REAL significance
of Beefeaters at the Tower of London?;discrete gay quarters you may not
know about".
============
Date:         Tue, 14 Sep 1993 11:44:52 EST
From:         Jay Pittman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Pope's visit to Colorado  (clean)

On his recent visit to Colorado, the Pope was running late for one of his
many meetings.  But when His Holiness instructed his limosine driver to
hurry up, the man replied that he had been given strict instructions NOT
to speed.  The Pope was eager not to be late, however, and again urged the
man to go faster, but again the driver refused.
Finally, in frustration, the Pope ordered the man into the back seat of
the limo, and His Holiness took the wheel.  Five minutes later the limo
had been pulled over by an officer who, upon seeing the driver of the
car, walked back to his car and called his commanding officer.

Officer: Sarge, I've got a problem.  I caught someone speeding but he is
         a really important guy.  Should I give him a ticket anyway?

Sarge:  Of course you should.  It doesn't matter how important he is.
        By the way,  how important is he?  Is he as important as our
        governor?

Officer:  Oh yes, sir.  He is much more important than that.

Sarge:  Is he as important (gulp) as the President?

Officer:  Yes sir.  He is even more important that that!

Sarge:  Well just who is this guy and how important is he?

Officer:  Well, sir, I can't really say for sure, but he is using the
          Pope as a chauffeur.

***************************************************************************
A Boy Scout, The Pope, and Carl Sagan were aboard an airplane when, at
10,000 feet, the engine died.  There were three parachutes aboard and the
pilot grabbed one of them and jumped for his life.  Carl Sagan immediately
grabbed another pack and said to the other two, "I am Carl Sagan.  I know
billions and billions of facts about the universe and life on this planet.
If I were to die, it would be a great loss to mankind, since I am quite
possibly the world's smartest man."  So saying, he jumped, leaving the
Pope and the little boy.  John Paul turned to the child and said, "Son,
I have lived a good and full life, and I know that the afterlife is waiting
for me.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  You take the last
parachute."
But the boy scout replied cheerfully, "We can both go.  The world's
smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
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